Today was a rough day. I had a wonderful friend of mine come up to me and tell me she was pregnant. I am so happy for her ... and yet my heart breaks. "WHY not ME?!" my heart cries out. I want to scream, shout, tear my hair out, cry, and disappear for a while. I don't understand. I feel like my heart is breaking.
Then I think about my friend, who has also been trying to get pregnant, who is now pregnant. I feel terrible about my sad feelings for myself. Then a whole round of guilt for these selfish feelings come pouring over me. Why am I just looking at myself? I am not the only one going though these hard times. There are others out there who have been trying for longer then Matt and I have been. I should be more happy for her ... more focused on her happiness.
And yet my heart still breaks.
I know the devil is out there singing songs of pity into my ear. If I was weaker I would fall into those songs and forget about God and HIS promises. Sometimes the temptation is strong to forget ... "look at all those other people who don't care about anything; they get pregnant."
Today, in the mist of all my pain, I heard a small voice cry out to me. "Remember my promises."
So I looked up some scripture, and this is what I found:
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!
Psalms 127:3-4
He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD! Psalms 113:9
And when Esau lifted up his eyes and saw the women and children, he said, "Who are these with you?" Jacob said, "The children whom God has graciously given your servant."
Genesis 33:5
Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalms 37:4
God, you know my heart. You know how much Matt and I desire to be parents. Please take this pain away. Put a hedge of protection around Matt and I as we travel this road. Keep the doubts out of our heads, especially mine. I know your promises, and will hold them close to my heart. Thank you LORD, for helping me today. Thank you for reminding me that children are given to us. I love you LORD and I know that you will grant us our hearts desires as you have promised.
